Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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