we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
