I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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