I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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