Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
