My friends, they love my intelligence
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
