I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
My liver just had a heart attack.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
