Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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