my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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