meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
this just has baby written all over it
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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