One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Randomize
