I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize