I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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