bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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