This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize