he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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