the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Boobs speak an international language.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize