i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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