so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
