a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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