I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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