why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
