this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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