I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Randomize
