apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Randomize
