From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
