Is it normal to miss your booty call?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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