I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
