HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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