Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
