we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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