i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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