Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
