the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize