Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
