I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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