this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Dicks are not precious.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
