yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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