Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
