how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
