dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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