just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
