here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
