Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
