you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
