take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
