So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
