i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
