My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
