im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
