I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
