I feel great
I just peed on a car
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
