Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
