he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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