who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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