Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
