omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
