my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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