Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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