Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize