Cold hands, warm shart.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
