i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
